Gift of Fear

"Got it! I'll bring it up," someone called out. Kelly didn't like that voice. Right from the start, something sounded wrong to her, but this friendly-looking young guy came bounding up the steps, collecting cans along the way.

-Gavin De Becker

Listening to our inner voice might save our lives from danger. There has been increasing news about violence lately. And it is pretty alarming that most of the crimes were an assault on women and children. According to the Journal of Family Psychology: "More than 15 million children witness domestic violence each year in the United States." And according to National Stalking Resource Center: "66 percent of female stalking victims are stalked by a current or former intimate partner." The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported: "Domestic violence costs more than $8.3 billion a year in medical care, mental health services, and lost productivity at companies."

How do we know when violence is lurking in the dark? How could we defend ourselves from a possible crime ahead of time? According to Gavin De Becker, the author of The Gift of Fear, there are seven pre-incident indicators:

Forced Teaming. It is when a person implies they have something in common with their chosen victim. For instance, acting as if they have a shared predicament when that isn't true. Speaking in "we" terms is a mark of this, i.e., "We don't need to talk outside… Let's go in."

Charm and Niceness. It is being polite and friendly to a chosen victim to manipulate them by disarming their mistrust.

Too many details. If someone lies, they will add excessive details to make themselves sound more credible to their chosen victim.

Typecasting. An insult to get a chosen victim who would otherwise ignore one to engage in conversation to counteract the ridicule. For example: "Oh, I bet you're too stuck-up to talk to a guy like me." The chosen victim tends to want to prove the insult untrue.

Loan Sharking. Giving unsolicited help to the chosen victim and anticipating they'll feel obliged to extend some reciprocal openness in return.

The Unsolicited Promise. A promise to do (or not do) something when there is no such commitment; this usually means a contract is a compromise. For example, an unsolicited "I promise I'll leave you alone after this" usually means the chosen victim will not be left alone. Similarly, an unsolicited "I promise I won't hurt you" usually means the person intends to hurt their chosen victim.

Discounting the Word "No." Refusing to accept rejection; not recognizing the word "NO."

" Notice that the stiffest tree can easily crack, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind." 

-Bruce Lee